Encouragingly they sing, Words shouldn’t bruise. As if we aren’t emotionally draped, Thin skin hanging. Wrong to inflict lacerations, But only instructed empathy, Towards carbon copies. Words, Rock on rock, Igniting embers. Nursing the fire of hate. How eager some are, Content suckling on Detest’s teats. Words, Load their guns. Terrorists, Thugs, Perverts, Radicals, Immigrants, We the people, Bullets. Intolerance becoming a national anthem. Intolerant as if being different were a glass of milk, Unsettling in the stomachs of bigotry. Maybe they should try chocolate. No easier to digest, Premeditated hate is. As a child I naively believed we were all “precious in his sight” Yellow, black, and white. Bleeding red. Red in the pews. Red on the dance floor. In the classrooms, the mosques, The streets. Because of pigment, Sexual preference, Inheritance, Freedom of religion, Hands not risen. Red in the hands of men, Fist clenched, Overcome by another’s existence. Their glocks and their cocks aimed, people they hate and or crave in the crosshair. The puritan masses, Drinking from a well, Dug in a time when people were born, With bar codes as birthmarks. Pointing fingers proclaiming “WITCH”. Precious in “HIS” sight. As if seeing were enough. Let HIM hear. Yellow, black, and white. Bleeding red, Riddled with Bullets.
Do not liken, Your hell to mine. Apples and razor blades. Balance inequitable. The journey to said hell, Intimate. Separate roads we travel, Even if side by side. Hazardous to stray, Stay in your path. Thresholds and tolerance, Building. Should we exchange shoes? Or traverse the hot Asphalts hand in hand. Loneliness, The universal fork in the road. Alone we suffer, Turn right, Together we heal, Turn left. Hotter is the Asphalt when standing still.
I'm in a room. No window, No door. My only exit, A needle lying on the floor. I press the needle against my skin, Hesitation. Trapped, Where is my hope? My hope was a door, All I have are walls. My cravings are bars, Insecurities a cage, Self hate a rope, I'm am bound. This room, No longer a home. A prison of concsious insanity. I am bound, By chain. By tape. By flesh. By bone. By hate. And pain, Heart break. I'm in a room no window, No door.
Unconditional, The love you gave to me. Kisses on my face, Reasons to rise, The bed becoming a coffin. A constant, Always smiling, Fervent and free with your love. No contracts, no toll, no conditions. For granted, all for granted. Heart shattering, Your body so unmoving, Eyes open, No light, No coffin small enough. I held you, stiff and absent. I fetched your bed, Smells of you still. Hours not days. You’ve been gone. Or is it years? Ground was cold. Your body, Colder. The cross, $3.95. My love for you, Mountains and valleys. Weighing so heavy, That last shovel of dirt, One last goodbye. No more wagging tail, head nudges, belly rubs, Departed now is your unconditional.
If you’d like to reach me with thoughts, stories, affirmations, questions, please do.
I’m shivering avoiding your eyes, Withdrawals take hold. You ask why? I cannot begin to fathom, The manifestation of my illness. What brings me to make such decisions? A sickness? No possession. Phantoms with no faces. A day hasn’t gone by, That I don’t fantasize travels, Back in time. I want to be your little boy again. Have you hold me, And tell me, A Mother’s sweet lie. “Everything will be alright.” But I’ve had this gun in my mouth for quite some time. My finger hovers over the trigger. Voices beg: Press here. This world is filled with terrors, And now I am haunted. You couldn’t protect me, Not when the darkness seemed so inviting. My sanity sacrificed, Sexual awakening on the STONE. “Go back to sleep. Go back to sleep.” If that mockingbird don’t sing, Momma’s going to buy you a diamond ring. But I prefer Crystal. I do not sleep. I do not sleep. No more lullabies, No more kisses, upon scraped knees. For now I am tainted. Phantoms with no faces, These are what my dreams are made of. Alone, Even in a crowd. They know my name, And they just repeat it. Mom, You gave me my name. I no longer feel your love. I know its there, But I am incapable of soaking it up. My sponge has sprung a leak. I catch but only to release. I’ve had this noose around my neck for quite some time. My balance is wavering. Voices beg: Kick here. I took a flamethrower to my field of dreams. Now I’m too tired to plant new seeds. I catch the ashes upon my tongue. I’ve acquired a taste for soot. My bridges casualties. You may not cross, I can never go home. I am lost, But I am not alone. Phantoms with no faces. Crowded rooms. I do not stand. I do not speak. They know my name, And they just repeat it. Mom, You gave me my name. I’ve had this knife in my hand for quite some time. Pulse pounding. Voices beg: Cut here. Mom? Will you tell me it will all be alright? Will you hold me like I am your little boy? I’m not ready. I am afraid. I do not need to debate, Wrong or right. You are my everything. You brought me to life. Tell me a Mother’s sweet lie. I throw down the gun. I throw down the noose. I throw down the knife. I throw down the pills, the bottle, the needle, the pipe. Restore me with your faith. Rejuvenate me with your praise. Look upon me with all your hope. Do not give up on me. I’m not dead yet. In the darkest of nights, When all seems lost, Remember I am an extension of you. Remember me as I used to be. Remind me that I am good. Convince me that I can change. But most of all Always let me know, That I am loved.
We do not choose to be born. Life is thrust upon us. No concern or consent. The light at the end of our mother's womb is no invitation, It's a LIFE sentence. Sleep, eat, shit, work, fuck, Sleep, eat, shit, work, fuck, Rinse, repeat. We do not choose to be born, but we do choose to live. I live in a place. In that place is a home. In that home a door. Behind that door a room. In that room a boy, And inside that boy is a single thought. I do not belong here So I run. I run to the only thing I know. Transference. Transfer the heroin from needle to skin. I dream. The good long dream. Toes sinking in the sand. Slowly I am being pulled out to sea. I do not resist. I need not a shell to hear. The ocean is calling me. I hear her in the breeze, Whispering. I taste her in the rain, Crying. I feel her in storms. Raging. Always pleading to me, Begging me, To come home. So I build a rickety boat. I use the sticks and stones and broken bones, Of all the people I killed with words. The waves take me, But a boat, Built upon the misfortune of others, Isn’t given much of a blessing. Sleep Eat Shit Work Fuck Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. I drifted too far and now the shore is out of sight. Maybe even out of mind. I detach my good arm from my body, To use as an oar. Not the one ruined with holes. Row, row, row your boat. Hands of a prophet, Not of a sailor. My sinning fingers quickly become blistered and sore. My good arm does not have the strength anymore. Freedom bringer I called her. I am surrounded. Endless. Above there is blue. Below there is blue. It's my favorite color. Everything begins and ends in it. Maybe I will too, Thirsty.
Edited by Marc Driscol
I’ve seen it all, Cruelty. I've seen a man overdose on the floor, instead of calling the police they pulled out their dicks, and pissed on him. I say it wasn't me so young only fifteen, my silence it was deafening. He may have survived, but a piece of me, the piece that was inherently good, gasped for air before it died. I've felt it all, Desperation . I've been on my knees time and time before, not to pray but to service the dealer to give me more. When you've got a habit and have to have it. I sold what made me a human being for that high, I didn't care how low it took me. To the gutter, or the grave. I've endured, Humiliation. I've seen a tarp-covered bed, covered in my blood and in my shit, gang banged they called it, some say rape, my eyes were closed so who knows. Body sore, no apologies, just an emptiness a void, They dug a ditch in my chest, where my heart had been, I tell myself it was worth the pain, the shame, to feel that high once more. I've known, Regret. I've seen my mother, tears in her eyes, begging me to stop. I've seen myself, dancing the knife over my wrist, to make it end. I've experienced, Isolation. The horror of self desolation. Am I crazy, insane. Chasing death, with arms outstretched. I've lost, Friends. People better than me, who used a lot less. God spared me, I think in jest. I've seen the end, at the tip of a needle, overdosing. Was it heaven. Was I free? They brought me back, God laughed. No one pulled out their dicks, to piss upon on me, guess I was lucky. But through it all. I've seen kindness. I've felt forgiveness. I've known love. I am a person though deeply conflicted. This sickness self inflicted. To be clean, to be brave, Why am I here? Screaming " YOU CANT HAVE ME" to my addictions. I'm my only witness. To live my life spreading my legs, not for the dealer, so my niece can climb upon my lap. To look her in the eyes and not feel ashamed. Is that why I lived? Her face. Maybe. I ask my higher power for the strength. Just for today.
Skin once fleshy and pink, I bet that's how you remember me, Now I'm just a carcass. I was a boy who was to become a man, Stunted with the caress of your hand, Your slab. YOUR LITTLE BOY MEAT. And you gutted me. I was asking for it, Wearing those shorts, Mother picked out for me. You couldn't help yourself, Catching a glimpse of those tighty whities. Remember the ones, Spider-man printed on the front? Slipping your hand in them, Grabbing me saying " I want your LITTLE BOY MEAT". Chewing on my ear lobe. Thrust, thrust, thrusting but I was a good boy. I didn't even scream. Didn't know I could, Do as adults say they said. You carved the soul from my bones, You drank up my sinew like stew, slurp slurp slurping. You carnivore, your kiss was the worst, lips hungry for flesh, salivating. Drool, I was marinated in it. Seasoned in your spit, Didn't want to go in dry, Oh how considerate. I am a carcass. Left rotting. Skewered by your affections. Drink after drink trying to forget your face, your always there. in every lover's gaze, in every mirror. You have my eyes, my smile. Hunted by memory never able to forget. Maybe another hit of, Death. I am a carcass. Skin once fleshy and pink.